By Don Gentry
Warning this is a PG13/R blog. The rating depends on how comfortable you are talking about sex. Let me start by saying sex is an amazing gift from God. A few Sundays ago, Matt even alluded to sex being an expression of our worship. If you are married and have not had amazing sex, then let me strongly suggest that you have a problem with your greatest sex organ. Let me also suggest that while you can take this advice and apply it to any illicit sexual relationship, as defined by God, we should only be engaging in sexual relationships between husband and wife. Outside of a heterosexual marriage relationship, you are already living outside of God’s best ideal for humanity.
It is fascinating to me that every culture and every period in historical studies has had, or does have, a fascination with sex. There is a lot of information out there designed to help us find that erotic moment that we long for. Just read the magazine covers at the grocery store or listen to the radio. Let me strongly suggest that we are being fed horrible sexual advice.
Whether you are male or female, it is not a position or a partner problem that you are having. It is an organ problem. Men your greatest sex organ is not what you may be thinking. What we need to think about most in the realm of our sexual organs is our brain. Your brain is your largest sexual organ and the most neglected. Great sex is not defined by ecstasy or eroticism. It is defined by intimacy. Intimacy is only created between the ears not between the sheets.
So how do we address our minds as we look at creating intimacy? That is a great question. The only person that can address our minds, is the individual. If you are harboring bitterness, resentment, unmet expectations, insecurities, disgust, frustration, anxiety, disappointment, disillusionment, poor self-esteem, and I could literally list a hundred more “brain distractions,” then you will have intimacy issues. If you take any of these intimacy issues into the bedroom, then you are going to have sexual relationship issues. You don’t have a penile or vaginal issue. You have a brain and intimacy relational issue. I have never counseled a “sexual organ issue” in 25 years of ministry.
So how do we have great sex? Let me give you the number one rule for great sex. 1. What can I do to help fulfill my partner’s emotions outside of the bedroom? (I say “help” because you will never be all that your partner needs. You can only be a “help.”) If you wait until you get to the bedroom to experience mind blowing sex then you have watched too many movies, listened to too many secular songs, watched too much porn, or read too many romance novels. You might argue you have experienced true eroticism, but I will argue you have not experienced true intimacy. Having a strong, Godly, monogamous marriage combined with amazing sexual fulfillment is only achieved when we have put our spouse first.
Great sex is about me; incredible intimacy is about my partner!
If you are experiencing less than satisfactory sexual relationship with your spouse, then you need to start looking at what is going on between your ears. The most common enemies of intimacy are anger, bitterness, resentment, un-forgiveness, self-esteem issues, and selfishness. There are other issues, but almost every couple I have ever counseled that has said they need help sexually, really needed help in one or more of these areas.
Men if you want great sex, then I strongly encourage you to find some help dealing with intimacy issues. Women the same advice goes for you too. Sex is amazing, God made the sexual parts; they have the incredible abilities to reach heights of extreme ecstasy, but we often don’t communicate about the correct issues. Love you all and hope you all can experience what God really defined for the marriage bed!